Q: How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
What did the ruthless businessman say to his employees? If at first you don't succeed - you're fired!
Did you hear about the monster who had an extra pair of hands? Where did he keep them? In a handbag.mons
Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop. One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment. The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon! Well sit still and don't stir!
George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a conversation via Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush, "There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!" George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell me what you see?" Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful." George Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for the future of Afghanistan... I see a house here, a house there, a small building here and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the street." Osama asks, "And what do they say?" George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!"
How do nuns surf the web? On the Hymnternet.
What is the fiercest flower in the garden ? The tiger lily !
A young businessman rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in. Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments. Finally, he put down the phone and asked the visitor "Can I help you?" The man said, "I've come to install the phone."
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween? Because so many witches are sweeping the sky.
Cross-eyed monster: When I grow up I want to be a bus driver. Witch: Well, I won't stand in your way.
What do they call a bunch of Mississippi football players standing in a circle holding hands? A dope ring.
Kung Fu for Beginners by Flora Mugga
In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients! When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."
What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment!
How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital? The patients get better and leave. Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God. The staff have the keys!
The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!" "What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"
Teacher : Would you at the back of the room stop passing notes. Pupil : We're not passing notes. We're playing cards !
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats ? In the croakroom !
What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late ? Your spinning me a yarn here !