How do cats eat spaghetti ? The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths!
The Modern Police Force by Iris Tew
A redhead, a brunette and a blonde all escape from a prison together. They run into the nearby woods and all climb up seperate trees. When the police find the redheads tree and ask who is up there, the redhead chirps like a bird. Then the police go to the brunette's tree. When they ask who is up there, the brunette makes chipmunk noises. Finally, when the police go to the blonde's tree and ask who is up there, the blonde goes,"MOOOOOOOOOO!"
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Bugs Barbie ...buck teeth, long ears
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help. "Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prize. Joe again looked up and prayed... "Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck. Once again, he prayed... "Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... " Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself: "Joe, Meet Me Half Way On This One. Buy A Ticket!"
A very tall monster with several arms and legs, all of different lengths, went into a tailor's shop. 'I'd like to see a suit that will fit me,' he told the tailor. 'So would I, sir,' said the tailor. 'So would I.'
Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice: The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure. One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers. Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Albee ! Albee ! Albee a monkey's uncle !
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men: "don't" and "stop".
How do you make a cheeseburger sad? Make it with blue cheese!
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ? Santa Claustrophobia !
Why did the kid punch the bed? His mother told him to hit the hay.
What is black and yellow and buzzes along at 30,000 feet ? A bee is an aeroplane !
Why did Davy Crockett always wear a coonskin cap? It was a birthday present from his wife!
A group of goose biologists were meeting to brainstorm about the migration tactics of Canada geese. They were particularly interested in applying for a $100,000 Federal grant to investigate the "V" formation of goose flight. It had been observed that one side of the "V" is always longer than the other side. This group would put together a research proposal to apply for the $100,000 grant and hopefully find out why this happens. To start off the discussion, Todd, the Consulting Firm Biologist stands up and says in typical consultant fashion, "I say we ask for $200,000, and attempt to model the wind drag coefficients. We can have our geologists record and map the ground topography and then our staff meteorologists can predict potential updraft currents. Our internal CAD department can then produce 3-d drawings of the predicted wing tip vortices. Then, after several years of study, our in-house publications department could produce a nice thick report full of charts and graphs." The Senior Research Biologist, a professor at the local university, cleared his throat and responded, "No, no!, That's not it at all. We only need $150,000. We can train a group of domesticated geese to fly in formations of equal length and then compare their relative fitness to wild geese. We can then publish the results in the Journal of Wildlife Management. About then, the hardworking field biologist stands up and begins walking for the door. "Where are you going?" the group asks. "I'm leaving" he replies, "I've heard enough. No one has to give me $100,000 to find out that the reason one side of the "V" is longer is simply because there are more damn geese on that side!"
Why was Easter the aardvark's favorite holiday? Because he liked aard-boiled eggs!
Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella ? Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.
How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They try to fix the old one. "We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?"
Which dog is always without a tail? A hot dog.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito Go away, sucker!