What is a dog who crosses the street twice in an hour? A double crosser.
Who is king of all the mice ? Mouse Tse Tung !
Why did a anowman send his father to Siberia? Because he wanted frozen pop !
What's the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.
What kind of monster can sit on the end of your finger? The bogeyman.
What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish ? Tsardines !
What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl? "Just flush it like everybody else does."
So you are distantly related to the family next door, are you? Yes- their dog is our dog's brother.
Q: What is the first thing off the truck at a trailer fire? A: Lawn chair.
Where do football directors go when they are fed up ? The bored room !
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep. That's baaaaaaaaaad!
1st man: "My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o'clock this morning!" 2nd man: "Did they wake you?" 1st man: "Nah....I was up playing my bagpipes."
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
Where does a cow stop to drink? The milky way!
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren. "Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep ? A stripey sweater !
Does running out of a burning barn make a cow unusual? No, only medium rare!
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
Did you hear about the idiot who made his chickens drink boiling water? He thought they would lay hard boiled eggs.