What does a witch get if she's a poor traveler? Broom sick.
Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team? A: The Dodgers.
What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet ? An elephant with spare parts !el
Where do ghoulies go to on the day before Halloween party? To the boo-ty parlour.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why was the hen banned from sending e-mails? She was always using fowl language.
Why did the dish and spoon hide their computer? The cat kept fiddling with i.t.
On the first day his son joined the family firm, the founder took him on to the roof of the factory building and said, 'I am going to give you your very first lesson in business. Stand on the edge of the roof.' Reluctantly, the boy went to stand on the edge of the roof. 'Now,' said his father, 'when I say, "Jump," I want you to jump off the roof.' 'But, Dad,' said the boy, 'there's a huge drop!' 'Do you want to succeed in business?' 'Yes, Dad.' 'And you trust me, don't you?' 'Yes, Dad.' 'So do as I say and jump.' The boy jumped. He crashed to the ground and lay there, winded and bruised. His father went racing down the stairs and ran up to him. That was your first lesson in business, son. Never trust anyone.'
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "No where. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"
What do you do when a Chihuahua sneezes? Get a small hankie!
What happened when a frog joined the cricket team ? He bowled long hops !
Girl: How much is a soft drink ? Waitress: Fifty cents. Girl: How much is refill ? Waitress: The first is free. Girl: Well then, I'll have a refill.
What's the longest piece of furniture in the school? The multiplication table.
What do owls sing when it is raining ? 'Too wet to woo' !
An airplane pilot dies at the controls. He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area. There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil has to take care of something first, and disappears. The curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two, and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain being waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad stewardesses. The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position. He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot says, "I wanted door number three!" "Sorry," replies the devil, "that's 'flight attendant's hell'."
Henderson bought a new car and, after he left the showroom, decided to catch a movie. When he came out, Henderson noticed he'd locked the car and left the keys in the ignition. He telephoned the dealer. "Which is the cheapest window to break?" he asked. "You don't have to break any of the windows," explained the dealer. "I'll come right down with another key and we can open it together." "No, no!" shouted the new car owner. "I gotta know now! It's about to rain and I wanna put the top up!"