"I'm giving a 'surprised' birthday party for you." "A 'surprised'. birthday party? What's that?" "That's where I invite a bunch of your friends, and if any of them come, I'll be surprised!"
Q. What's te definition of a bachelor pad? A. All the house plants are dead, but there's something growing in the refrigerator.
What do you get when you cross a pig with an elephant? A very large animal that knows a lot of jokes.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
Why did the man take a pencil to bed ? To draw the curtains !
Doctor, Doctor, Father Christmas gives us oranges every Christmas. Now I think I'm turning into an orange! Have you tried playing squash?
What did the stamp say to the envelope? "I've become attached to you."
What is a dogs favourite flower ? Anything in your garden !
Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: Don't complain. It only leaks when it rains.
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held." "Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Candy ! Candy who ? Candy cow jump over the moon !
Question: Why do men always give their penis a name? Answer: Because they don't want a stranger making 95 percent of their decisions for them.
What has four legs and see just as well from either end? A horse with his eyes closed!
Q.How do you put out a fire? A.Take away the HEAT , FUEL , OXYGEN , or the CHIEF!
Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam. You're too tents.
How do Italian Chefs swap recipes? By Spaghett-e-mail!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alan ! Alan who ? Alan a good cause !
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc. The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk an d walked out the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!"
Come on, Fred, I'll take you to the zoo. If the zoo wants me, let them come and get me!
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp ? A bear faced lyre !