Who was the burger's favourite all-time movie director? Sizzle B. DeMille!

Waiter, what is this cockroach doing on my ice cream sundae ? Skiing sir !

Knock Knock Who's there ! Beryl ! Beryl who ? Beryl of beer !

I saw the most beautiful cars in the window of a dealership recently. A sales man came out and said: 'Come on in. They're bigger than ever and they last a lifetime!' Later I learned he was talking about the payments.

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs --- unless they're a legitimate business expense.

The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball." "Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?"

My brother's looking for a girlfriend. Trouble is, he can't find a girl who loves him as much as he loves himself.

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead. "Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor. "Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!" At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead. "Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?" "Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse. Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?" "OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

What did the aardvark say when he lost the race to the ant? If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em!

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep? You rock-et.