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The July temperature in Joplin climbed over the one hundred mark. Despite the scorching heat, Bozell was outside painting his house. A passerby stopped for a moment to watch him and then asked, "How cum yer wearin' two jackets?" " 'Cause," said the redneck, "the directions on the can say ta put on two coats!"
What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on? A Perch!
What do you get if you cross King Kong with a giant frog? A monster that climbs up the Empire State Building and catches aeroplanes with its tongue.
When you go for a bus ride, do you like sitting upstairs or downstairs? I prefer to ride on top, but it's very hard getting the horse up the stairs.
Customer: Waiter, I found a hair in my turtle soup. Waiter: How about that! The turtle and the hare finally got together.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.
Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch: "Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you -- everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."
It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mo ckery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."
"What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer. "Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper. Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?" "No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."
A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck. The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless. ''Where have you been?'' asked the man. ''I can't believe you left me down there! I couldn't get the tailgate open!''