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What's the difference between an injured elephant and bad weather ? One roars with pain and the other pours with rain !
Q. Why did the blonde write "TGIF" on her shoes? A. To remind her that "toes go in first."
Son: Where are the Himalayas? Father: If you'd put things away, you'd know where to find them.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
A man is walking down the street when he hears a voice, "Pssst you come over here!" He looks round and can see no one but an old mangy greyhound. "yes over here!" Said the greyhound "Look at me I'm tied up here, I should be racing I won 14 races in my carrer you know?" The man thought to himself "Oh my god a talking dog, I have to have it, it will make me rich, tv appearances cabaret bookings" So he goes in search of the owner. He found the owner and said "I'd like to buy your dog, is he for sale??" The owner says "No mate you don't want that old moth eaten thing!" "But I do!" Insisted the man "I'lll give you 1000 pounds for him. "Ok said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!" Handing over the money the man said "Why do you think that?" The man replied "Because that dogs a bloody liar it's never won a race in it's life!"
Why did the boxer date the pretty girl? Because she was a knockout!
What's a snake's favourite food ? Hiss Cakes !
What birds spend all their time on their knees ? Birds of prey !
Tower: Cannot read you, say again! Pilot: Again!
The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me." "My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away." "I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it." He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?" "In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'"