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Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work? A: In case they have to draw blood.
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A: It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog. Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.
John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned." Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Mrs Jones: Now, remember, children, travel is very good for you. It broadens the mind. Betty, muttering: If you're anything to go by, that's not all it broadens!
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God." "Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in -law."
When doesn't a telephone work underwater? When it's wringing wet!
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy ? "You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours !"
Customer: Why is my hairline receding? Barber: It's not. Your scalp is advancing.
Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade? A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.