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What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? Hoblin Goblin.
If there are 5 flies in the kitchen how do you know which one is the American Football player ? The one in the sugar bowl !
Q: What do birds give out on Halloween? A: Tweets.
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spied two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy long legs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy long legs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy long legs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of THAT in our garden."
A man walked into a lodge in Yellowstone National Park. 'Can you give me a room and bath?' he asked the clerk. 'I can give you a room,' the clerk said. 'But you'll have to take the bath by yourself!'
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party? Invite an accountant.
When is a pig an ecologist? When he recycles garbage into ham.
First cannibal: I don't know what to make of my husband these days. Second cannibal: How about a curry?
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.
Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again." "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!" "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."