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How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.

Why do we paint Easter eggs? Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!" Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."

I thought, Miss Smith, that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you were seeing your dentist? That's right, Sir. So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a friend? That was my dentist.

How do you confuse an idiot? Give him two spades and ask him to take his pick.

A pair of biologists are studying terns on a rock island just off the coast. While walking on a distant part of the island, they are shot at by a group of thugs operating a pot farm. This happens several times and the local law enforcement refuses to investigate. On their last day on the island they happen into a huge pile of harvested grass that has been set out to dry. Quickly they decide to set it on fire to pay the thugs back for shooting at them. The fire takes off and sends plumes of smoke into the sky. As they are running for their boat, they notice that the soaring birds are acting weird, spiraling out of control and crashing into the trees. The next day they read the headlines in the local paper: Pot Farm Burns - No Tern Left Unstoned.

Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your grandma's bed? Fred: Because I couldn't find a snake.

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"

"I caught a twenty pound salmon last week." "Were there any witnesses?" "There sure were. If there hadn't been, it would have been forty pounds."

What's the difference between an injured elephant and bad weather ? One roars with pain and the other pours with rain !

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