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Knock Knock Who's there ! Bellows ! Bellows who ? Bellows me some money can I have it please !

Mummy Monster: What are you doing with that saw and where's your little brother ? Young Monster: Hee, hee ! He's my half-brother now!

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Did you hear about the granny who plugged her electric blanket into the toaster by mistake? She spent the night popping out of bed.

What do computers eat when they get hungry? Chips.

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage. They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

What's a cow's favourite love song? When I fall in love, it will be for heifer.

Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride

Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar Don't worry you'll soon change!

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