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An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?" "How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"
Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom? Captain: Well, it could have been worse. Manager: How? Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!
A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas. Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas." His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Carribean?" He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."
Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
What car do insects drive? A Volkswagen automobile.
Why did the girl who worked for the telephone company sing all the time? Because she was an operetta (operator).
Q: What is the first thing off the truck at a trailer fire? A: Lawn chair.
How can you get a set of teeth put in for free? Smack a monster.
Winnie-the-Pooh is eating a roll. Piglet arrives. - Give me some roll, Winnie! - It's not a roll, it's a bun. - Give me some bun, Winnie! - It's not a bun, it's a bap. - Give me some bap, Winnie! - Get lost, you pig! Stop being such a pain in the neck! You can't even make up your mind!
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Shock Therapy Barbie ...car battery and wires included