A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live. Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order. "Oh yes, I've done that," said the old gentleman. "I've only got to make a will. And do you know what I'm going to do with all my money? I'm going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life."

Q: How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Uh...standby, I'll check on that.

Teacher: If I gave you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have? Jackie: Nine. Teacher: That's not right, you'd have eight. Jackie: No, Teacher, I'd have nine. I already have one rabbit at home!

What do you call an ant who lives with your great uncle ? Your great-ant !

What do you call a scruffy, lazy ant? Decadant.

How do warty witches keep their hair out of place? With scare spray.

Did you hear about the monster who had twelve arms and no legs? He was all fingers and thumbs.

Teacher : What is the most common phrase used in school ? Pupil : I don't know Teacher: Correct !

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Exactly five hundred. 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed. 7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 21 to flame the spell checkers. 49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb. 69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bul bs be stopped. 41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list. 106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too." 6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!" 3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure th e captain is aboard before getting under way!"