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Diner: What's wrong with these eggs I ordered? Waiter: Don't ask me. I only laid the table.
The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."
What do you give a train driver for Christmas ? Platform shoes !
What did the Abominable Snowman do after he had had his teeth pulled out? He ate the dentist.
When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands. A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal." The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that town. "Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'." "Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut." "In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline should read, 'Yankee Kills Family Pet'."
What does a spider do when he gets angry ? He goes up the wall !
Q: What's a conservative? A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.
My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday. How is she now ? She's fine. But, the dog died.
How does an idiot call for his dog? He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.