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One day the zookeeper noticed that the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"? "Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
Why shouldn't you carry two half dollars in your pocket? Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose your money.
Why did the rooster run away ? He was chicken !
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple. One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job. He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint. It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint. That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the oth er three sides had washed away. The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?" A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!"
My brother's a professional boxer. Heavyweight ? No, featherweight. He tickles his opponents to death !
School Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with appendicitis? Fred: Only when I tried to spell it.
What did the snake say when offered a piece of cheese ? Thanks, I'll just have a sliver !
Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car salesman can probably drive!
Q: What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? A: Ok you 2, dont start anything