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Have you seen www.quicksand.com? Yes, but it hasn't sunk in yet.
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"
At the inquest into her husband's death by food poisoning Mrs Wally was asked by the coroner if she could remember her husband's last words. "Yes," she replied. "He said 'I don't know how that shop can make a profit from selling this salmon at only 20 cents a tin..."
Why did the rabbits go on strike? They wanted a better celery!
Why did the Easter Bunny have to fire the duck? Because he kept quacking all the eggs!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alan ! Alan who ? Alan a good cause !
Why is a sinking ship like a person in jail? Because it needs bailing out.
Did you hear about the vampire who joined an orchestra? He stood on the roof and conducted lightning.
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
'I can't find my dollar bill,' Jane sobbed. 'Don't worry,' her Counselor said. 'A dollar doesn't go very far today.'